Every day, millions of Americans use large metal contraptions in order to make their daily tasks easier and faster. 32,000 Americans die as a result of these deadly machines every year, at a rate of approximately 92 per day. "I know they are deadly, but the convenience of being able to get to my job on time is totally worth it," one man stated.
Anti-internal combustion engine powered metal box groups are suggesting a plethora of new regulations to reduce deaths. "These devices cause 32,000 deaths every year. Logically, if we take away all of them, those lives will be saved." Others take less of a hard line stance: "Listen, no one is talking about a ban just reasonable regulation. If we limit speed to 5 or 10 miles per hour, it will save a lot of lives. Any regulation, even if saves just one life, is absolutely worth it."
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This was my paltry attempt at satire after I saw the below post on the Onion. I enjoy a lot of the Onion's articles but their blatant left wing agenda has really turned me off to them.
Right To Own Handheld Device That Shoots Deadly Metal Pellets At High Speed Worth All Of This
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